Movie# 19: Into Thy Hands

Plot: A metal dude, who looks as if James Hetfield was shrunk but done disproportionately, acts as Jesus, whom kills the likenesses of his former worshippers and friends i.e. Judas, Peter, Mary Magdalene etc.

Just blame it on Lars

Redeeming Qualities:

The soundtrack. So this movie plays at about quarter speed throughout its entirety along to a death/black metal soundtrack. I thought someone left a microphone in the rec room of a retirement home for smokers at one point.

Sooooo wow, there are a lot of boobs in this movie. So many that I had only a limited amount of pictures I could take. Otherwise this post would look like a Dimmu Borgir album cover. But I leave you this......

Most interesting computer room ever

Boob Count: 20

Penis Count : 0

Kill count: 10

Best kills:

Burned at the stake

Multiple crucifixions

Hammer and nail to the head

Shower hanging

Watch if you like:

Boobs
Metal
Rob Zombie Jesus
Metal dudes hiding under your bed
Slow motion replays
Mick Foley bar owners

Movie#18: Cadaverella

Plot: A modern take on Cinderella but filled with revenge, gore, and a little pong.



Redeeming qualities:


The acting is very strong in this classic retelling. Actors have multiple roles and I couldn't tell that they were the same people. The lead of Cinder ( Yep, as in Cinderella) made here character likeable even though she was a bit of a kleptomaniac and uncaring person in general.

Editing. I usually point this out because this can make or break a low budget movie. In this film, the scenes are cut perfectly and keep you in the picture.

Although the gore in this film isn't as plentiful as on the other movies on this blog, it is still done well especially with the superb editing. The filmmakers didn't focus on the kills for too long.

Kill Count: 6

Best kills

Jaw rip

Head smoosh in bathtub

Donkey punch from hell

Old fashioned two handed choke

Heart pierce


Boob Count: 4

Penis Count: 0

Watch if you like:

Fairy tales
Fishing for nerds
Sex offender used car salesman
Paraplegic S & M
Peeing on bricks
Constantine Greg Giraldo...........

Special Review 2: Restoration

Plot. A married couple buy an old house to fix up and live in.
Too bad the house is full of secrets, supernatural beings, teddy bears and Zack Ward. All this comes together by the end in this satisfying horror movie.

Redeeming qualities:

The acting of the four major characters was top notch. The chemistry between both couples (the new owners of  the house and their married neighbors) is noticeable from the beginning and especially during a crucial pregnancy scene.

The characters themselves are smart. The usual horror movie trope of nobody believing the protagonist is thrown out the window early on. The couple instead work together to figure out the mystery of the house.

Blood and gore effects were very efficient. I'm still trying to figure out how they got this guy's head to look like that.....

Aspirin?

Boob count: 2

Penis count: 0

Kill count: 3

I would list out the best kills, but I implore my readers to see the anarchy of the final act for themselves.

Watch if you like:

Ghost girls
Hidden teddy bears
Bob Villa
Alive over easy eggs
The Dean of mean.....

Movie #17 Death Factory

The most violent burp ever

Plot:  A group of college kids wanna have a great time....... Oh look, an abandoned factory, PARTAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
Too bad an old employee of said establishment is still lurking around for it's next victim. Pretty much by the numbers slasher Horror movie with an unexpected twist. Which I am happy to say is a good idea. And this bum shows up........

Redeeming qualities:

Great lighting and sound. I never had to turn up the volume. And the dark factory was well lit in the right places and never took you out of the movie.

The gore effects were plentiful and the make-up for the factory lurker were top notch.

Tiffany Shepis was great. She played the monster and did it brilliantly. The prosthetics she wore restricted her mouth movement leading me to believe that Tiffany drooled a lot through the duration of the movie shoot. And if you don't know who Tiffany Shepis is, IMDB her and see the massive amount of credits she has accrued in the horror genre.

Characters were fleshed out well and you actually care for a few of them.

Best Kills:

A few throat chomps here or there

Ball squeeze from hell. I kinda cringed.

The Mountain versus Viper eye gouge from "Game of Thrones"

Tummy mutilation akin to a dog burying a bone

"ELLIA MARTELL"

Death Count: 8

Boob Count: 4

Penis Count: 0


Watch if you like:

Ball rips
Overprotective boyfriends
Having your back scratched
Tetanus shots
Buckets of blood
My own first apartment.........

"Yeah, I totally ganked that cone from K-Mart"

Special edition screener review: Door to Door

Auditions for a Manowar cover band got heated

Plot: A walking door to door salesman promises big changes to seven people displaying attributes related to the seven deadly sins. He offers them an unknown medication that could change their lives. Unfortunately for them, not in a good way.

Someone ate fortune cookies the wrong way

Redeeming qualities:


Editing was quite impressive considering the budget. A lot of lower budget pictures take only one angle and it tends to drag a bit.

Good use of organic lighting. Especially the scenes indoor.

Production value was great. Having access to multiple homes and different businesses helps for a wider range of where this salesman has traveled

Death Count: 7


Best kills:

Throat slash
Slit wrists
Puke of death (the salesman did say the weight would "poor out like a faucet"


Boob Count: 0

Penis Count: 0

Last ever episode of Double Dare

Watch if you like:


Pooping in bushes
Trailer park wolfman
Cat fishing
Slime
Will Ferrell salesman
Slothman
Jerry Gergich versus million dollar man Ted Dibiase....

Come check out a podcast that I am a part of. Pinheads of Horror. We are on SoundCloud and Facebook. Take some time and hi to us. We love feedback. And, if you have anymore screeners, we would love to see and review them. Until next time..........Will Ferrell

Movie #16: Creepy Clips

Sometimes barbeque sauce is that good

Plot: Creepy Clips is a quick, little, tiny, mini anthology of sex, blood, and a band named Hellspawn Pilot. This anthology is only 2 stories long. The first is about a goth girl who works at Hollywood Video. She invites a fellow college classmate to her home so that they can run lines together for a play they are in. The only lines the goth girl has in mind are tan lines, if you know what I mean. The second story involves a woman who lost her sister to possible devil worshippers. For some reason she calls a radio show for help. Unfortunately she just had to look in the basement.

Redeeming Qualities:

Hellspawn Pilot! These dudes were jamming pretty much throughout the movie. Not a bad metal act.

The ending of the second vignette was very effective. The lightning, or the lack of lighting, contributed to the creep factor.

The junkie psychic with a huge bottle of aspirin.

Ouija for 1. The goths do know how to party.

Death Count: 4


Best Kills:

Vampire neck bite

Breast clawing

Ghost Bathroom

Zombie hug....... Dammit, this movie went there too.

I love it when the movie features the exact appliance I own or use to own

Boob Count: 4

Penis Count: 0

Watch if you like:

Passive aggressive acting lessons

Topless London bridge

Bankrupt video franchises

Having the A\C blasting while awkwardly touching another person

Late fees

Goth Girl Monthly.........

Movie #15: Sinners

Plot: A bible thumping madman gets revenge on the people who killed his family. After he captures his victims, who include a drunk that killed his wife, a prostitute that gave his brother H.I.V. , and a drug dealer that killed his son, he chains them around his one bedroom apartment. After he preaches the holy book, he ends their lives one by one.

I don't know what's worse, the blood on the toilet seat or the lack of 2-ply

Redeeming Qualities:

The set dressing was really good. The apartment was actually lived in so it was as realistic as possible. Actually it reminded me of my old bachelor pad. Blood and all.

The religious dude was creepy. He looked like your friend's uncle who stays too late at family gatherings.

The black guy dies first. Now, now, now, now, now,... If you are a fan of horror movies, then you know this happens frequently throughout the history of the genre. So inside joke maybe?

Tuesdays at my place

Death count: 4


Best kills:

3 kills were off-camera gunshots to the head. Boo.

The other was a zombie hug. Yeah, the movie went there.


Boob Count: 0

Penis Count: 0


Watch if you like:

Cat lady t-shirts
Crotch shot camera angles
Calling people food connoisseurs
Leaving your mail in the kitchen
Slick Rick..........