Movie# 19: Into Thy Hands

Plot: A metal dude, who looks as if James Hetfield was shrunk but done disproportionately, acts as Jesus, whom kills the likenesses of his former worshippers and friends i.e. Judas, Peter, Mary Magdalene etc.

Just blame it on Lars

Redeeming Qualities:

The soundtrack. So this movie plays at about quarter speed throughout its entirety along to a death/black metal soundtrack. I thought someone left a microphone in the rec room of a retirement home for smokers at one point.

Sooooo wow, there are a lot of boobs in this movie. So many that I had only a limited amount of pictures I could take. Otherwise this post would look like a Dimmu Borgir album cover. But I leave you this......

Most interesting computer room ever

Boob Count: 20

Penis Count : 0

Kill count: 10

Best kills:

Burned at the stake

Multiple crucifixions

Hammer and nail to the head

Shower hanging

Watch if you like:

Boobs
Metal
Rob Zombie Jesus
Metal dudes hiding under your bed
Slow motion replays
Mick Foley bar owners

Movie#18: Cadaverella

Plot: A modern take on Cinderella but filled with revenge, gore, and a little pong.



Redeeming qualities:


The acting is very strong in this classic retelling. Actors have multiple roles and I couldn't tell that they were the same people. The lead of Cinder ( Yep, as in Cinderella) made here character likeable even though she was a bit of a kleptomaniac and uncaring person in general.

Editing. I usually point this out because this can make or break a low budget movie. In this film, the scenes are cut perfectly and keep you in the picture.

Although the gore in this film isn't as plentiful as on the other movies on this blog, it is still done well especially with the superb editing. The filmmakers didn't focus on the kills for too long.

Kill Count: 6

Best kills

Jaw rip

Head smoosh in bathtub

Donkey punch from hell

Old fashioned two handed choke

Heart pierce


Boob Count: 4

Penis Count: 0

Watch if you like:

Fairy tales
Fishing for nerds
Sex offender used car salesman
Paraplegic S & M
Peeing on bricks
Constantine Greg Giraldo...........

Special Review 2: Restoration

Plot. A married couple buy an old house to fix up and live in.
Too bad the house is full of secrets, supernatural beings, teddy bears and Zack Ward. All this comes together by the end in this satisfying horror movie.

Redeeming qualities:

The acting of the four major characters was top notch. The chemistry between both couples (the new owners of  the house and their married neighbors) is noticeable from the beginning and especially during a crucial pregnancy scene.

The characters themselves are smart. The usual horror movie trope of nobody believing the protagonist is thrown out the window early on. The couple instead work together to figure out the mystery of the house.

Blood and gore effects were very efficient. I'm still trying to figure out how they got this guy's head to look like that.....

Aspirin?

Boob count: 2

Penis count: 0

Kill count: 3

I would list out the best kills, but I implore my readers to see the anarchy of the final act for themselves.

Watch if you like:

Ghost girls
Hidden teddy bears
Bob Villa
Alive over easy eggs
The Dean of mean.....