Movie# 7: Mayhem Motel

Surprisingly not the strangest scene in the movie

Plot: ...................How about a list of who and what happens.


Characters:

2 buddies out for a bachelor party.....at a motel.

A john who likes to be sung "Happy Birthday" while being shaved......down there........in a motel room.

2 mimes having mime sex

A car salesman and his blow up doll.

A pervert with a tracheostomy

A megaphone using pimp

A body paint artist

A spanking prone prostitute

An organ thief

Nose picking Japanese geisha

A little person pimp

Showering husband and murderous wife

And a priest


Please, make up your own plot from above mentioned characters.

Death Count: 8

Best Deaths:

Butcher knife to the chest

Bullet to the dome x2

Tracheostomy job

Pimp to pimp pool drowning

Vaginal suffocation

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Boob Count: 0

Really!? A movie with plural hookers!?

Penis Count: 2

I counted a rectum too.

He was in my dreams last night. I did not sleep well.

This was a tough one. Not to watch, but to write about. I thought it would be a lot easier to write a few lists like a Buzzfeed article.

So, apologies for this article not sticking to the usual template. 

OK, one more list:

Watch if you like:

Priest mullets

Pimp buttholes

Tracheostomy blow jobs (my first time ever seeing one)

Puking in the bath tub with you in it

Tyrion Lannister

Deflated blow up dolls

Organ deliveries

Movie #6 I Dream of Dracula

Vampires never seem to be the tidiest of bloodsuckers

Plot: A woman keeps having the same dream of being a vampire. Her husband and friend, who happens to be a psychiatrist, thinks that she is crazy. The husband and the psychiatrist are also having an affair. They try to have her committed so they can run off together. Soon the vampires from her dream start to appear in her every day life trying to convince her to join them. Will she join the cult? Will her wig enthusiest husband and scheming best friend have her hospitalized. Will the vampiric vixens seduce our protagonist into hell? Or will a vampire hunter hunter have enough time between puking her guts out to take them all on?

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Redeeming Qualities:

The lead actor is quite sufficient in her role.

The blood effects are good for being at a minimum.

Higher body count than I thought there would be.

It would be fair to call this film the "Alien Resurrection" of vampire movies

Death Count: 9


Best Kills:

Stake to the boobs

Pizza dude bloodbath

Vampire hickeys

Satan slaughter

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Boob Count: 4

Most yet of the reviewed movies so far.

Penis Count: 1*

*It was inverted 

Watch this if you like:

Large breasts

Small breasts

Anchovies

Pete Rose haircuts

Paula Cole V/H/S tapes

Movie#5: When Heaven Comes Down

This one is about a religious freak going around Woodstock, Illinois trying to find the perfect "woman". He takes Polaroids of his victims before killing them. But one hard boiled cop tracks him down and sends him to prison for life. Three years pass and his potential last victim tries to get on with her life with her new boyfriend. But before long, a slew of new victims start popping up bearing an incredible resemblance to the prior victims. Who will survive? The final girl? The passive aggressive new boyfriend? The asshole boyfriend? The other asshole boyfriend? The washed-up detective wearing an eye patch after being flashed by a Polaroid camera?

Pirate's favorite camera? Pol-arrr-oid.

Redeeming qualities:

Decent acting. Audio a little muffled at times but generally good line delivery.

Actor who played " Ozzie" was good at wanting you to hate him. He was the bigger  asshole of the two asshole boyfriends.

Killer reveal was good. I guessed it half way through but it still was well executed.

Not much gore, but the deaths were more realistic.

Robert Z'Dar.

Oh the Midwest.........

Death count: 8


Best kills:

Pool cue choke out

9mm to the dome

Polaroid camera to the dome

Hanging Chad  (Asshole boyfriend named Chad was hung. Not what happened in the 2000 presidential election. Although there was an asshole present during that time too.)

If Slipknot formed in the 80's

Boob Count: 2

Finally!

Penis Count: 0


Watch this movie if you like:

Regulars (Bar patrons that are always there....always)
Shitty male companionship
Shitty male companionship getting killed
Popeye chins
Hysterectomy smackdowns


R.I.P.  Robert Z'Dar

Movie # 4 Scarlett Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest

"I want your skuuuuuulllll"

Yes! My favorite! Horror anthology movies! "Creepshow" was my favorite when I was growing up.  Now  the "V/H/S" series quenches my thirst for anthologies. So this Scarlett Fry zombie guy (Yeah, I guess Scarlet could be a zombie's name) is our crypt keeper for this movie which includes 6 short stories of murder, death, skateboarding, and torture. Here are your movies:

At least he washes the dishes

Story 1: Blood Thirsty Butchers

Butcher guy is hungry. Fridge empty. Girl in apartment complex tasty. Invite back to unusually clean apartment of cannibal/butcher. Eat girl. That's it.

Death count: 1

Boob count: 0

Penis count: 0

Story 2: The Solution

Nurse takes care of difficult patient. Takes poor sap to a park. He won't eat his food. Nurse hired a hitman to take out patient. Patient sniped. Nurse happy. 

Death count: 1

Boob count: 0

Penis count: 0

Never buy drugs from this guy

Movie number 3: Griptape Spank

Some skateboarders buy weed from creepy masochistic drug dealer in thong. Skateboarders pay for weed by spanking drug dealer with their own skateboards. Skateboarders rag on each other for participating in spanking. One guy's girlfriend calls him gay for spanking drug dealer. Guy goes back to drug dealer with a modified with nails skateboard. Drug dealer spanked and killed with naily board. Goes back home to girlfriend. She Still calls him gay. He kills her. Goes back to sleep.

Death count: 2

Boob count: 0

Penis count: 0

Ryan Reynolds in " Soul Patch"

Story 4: Wasted life

Guys sleeps all day. Goes to work. Comes home. Puts DVD's away in correct cases. Slits wrist in bathtub. 

Death count: 1

Boob count: 0

Penis count: 1

DING DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Story 5: The Devil Made Me Do It

Guy likes black magic. Girl hates black magic. Girl shoots guy in head. Girl takes shower. Guy resurrected by Satan. Guy plays with girl's organs. 

Death count: 2

Boob count: 0

Penis count: 0

Story 6: Love is Blind

Girlfriend is pregnant. Guy gets pissed. Guy gets reverse 50 Shades of Grey'ed. Girlfriend takes out his eye after using him as a human pin cushion. 

Death count: 1

Boob count: 1

Really? One f*ckin' boob!

Penis count: 0

Redeeming qualities:

Decent gore gags

Short.

Stories are straight to the point.

Boob


Death Count: 8

Best kills:

Nail board beat down

Eyeball extraction

Disemboweled beauty


With this if you like:

Guys named Scarlett

Holey undershirts

Rare foods (not cooked I mean)

Making sure your DVD's remain unscratched

Pineapple boxer shorts

One boob

Movie# 3: Zombie Rampage

Hugs?

Plot: Two rival gangs are able to resurrect fallen members by using a spell from a stolen book. All hell breaks loose. Somehow a nerdy bartender is thrust into this rampage of zombies (Is that like a murder of crows? Is this the correct term for a pack of zombies?). The bartender heads back to work with a few gang members in tow. He meets up with his girlfriend and the bar owner and they retreat...... somewhere, I'm not exactly sure. But one by one our heroes are dispatched by the undead horde. I viewed the director's cut of this film. I didn't know there were director's cuts back in the eighties.

Trailer parks.....what DON'T they have

Redeeming Qualities:

Pretty good gore effects. I was surprised how effective they were even when the camera focused on the prosthetics for so long.

80's gangs. The gangs were so colorful and racially diverse back then.

Fat dudes. There's plenty of them in this movie. 

Mullet haired bartender and gang leader. I was impressed by the casting of the gang leader. He looked like Conan O'Brien's cousin but was still menacing. And who doesn't love a mulleted protagonist.

Story. This movie could be made today, but with a better budget and a fleshed( pun intended) out script.

Dave Mustaine gang leader

"If I see the morning hours, I'll have one more yesterday"

Death Count: 20+

Lost count. Couldn't decipher fat dudes after a while.

Best kills:

Arm wound leakage ( best effect. Arm bitten by undead convincingly leaks)

Garrett head shot ( actor who resembles Garrett from the television show "Community" gets blasted after killing bartender's girlfriend's best friend)

Baby cart beat down ( A mother and baby are torn apart by a rampage of zombies. No real babies were used)

Boob Count: 2

Penis Count: 0

Watch this movie of you like:

Megadeth
Fat dudes
Crack head boobs
Puss wounds
Gang warfare
Zombie soup
Mullets
Product placement

Tide: Getting stains out of fat guy heavy metal shirts for decades

Movie #2: Vampire Hunter

Plot: A martial artist/artist/action figure collector/Flea look alike attempts to save his girlfriend from a vampire art studio owner. He later recruits a real "vampire hunter" to help get her back. Kung Fu occurs throughout with some vampire staking to go along. This movie was released in the 2000's but filmed in the 90's but looks as  though it happened in the 80's. Oh yeah, the main character directed, wrote, and produced this film.

Bruised Lee

Redeeming qualities:

Lots of kung fu. This guy was a stunt coordinator in other films.

Basic story. The film never gets too complicated with story arcs or exposition. Kept it nice and simple.

A pretty good 80's synth soundtrack. Reminded me of my childhood obsession of the cosmic key Gwildor has in " Masters of the Universe".

Short. Less than seventy minutes. But twenty of those minutes were of the protagonist practicing with swords, ninja stars, and a converted nightstick/stake.

David Lee Rothpire

"Hamela babela zeebala bobaly bop, biddy bop"

Death Count: 22

Best kills:

Picture frame impalement. ( John the hero breaks a frame apart and stakes a few vamps)

Garlic dusting ( blown garlic powder into the eyes of the undead)

Boob Count: 14*

*The boobies in question are drawings. So no "live" breasts.

Penis Count: 0

First two films and nary a nipple or nightstick (human nightstick if you know what I mean.

Paint-fu

Watch this movie if you like:

Art shows

Tae-bo 

Guys drawing nude women

Batman action figures

Sammy Hagar

Michael Mann movie soundtracks

Movie 1: Suburban Sasquatch

                               "Hey, not the Cosby Sweater!"

Okay, first review. Here we go......

 Plot: Bigfoot is pissed and takes it out on the burbs. Native American girl and dorky journalist guy take on a mystical Sasquatch in a fight to the death. Will they survive the suburban jungle or succumb to the hairy beast?

         

Redeeming qualities:

Some of the blood and gore gags are well done.

I was suprised by the pretty good editing. The movie's flow was quite fluid.

Bigfoot don't discriminate! He kills everyone! Fisherman, auto mechanics, hikers, west highland terriers, hot dog eating women behind the wheel of an SUV, etc...

Speaking of SUV's, the Sasquatch attacks not one, but two of them. Irony?

The CGI bird that the girl summons is better quality than "Birdemic". And that was a movie about birds! 

The only thing that upset me with this movie is the male protagonist's shirt. It was a couple sizes too big. He looked like a four year old running behind the heroine of this movie.

Predafoot? Yeah, he can disappear and reappear. It's like watching predator if he crashlanded in rural Indiana behind a Walmart.

                                   The loneliest dinner ever

Death count: 15

Best kills:  Arm rip head smoosh (Arm ripped off, then head

                   Crunched between Bigfoot hands)

                    Face-rip tummy slash ( Sasquatch equivalent to a Ric 

                    Flair rake to the eyes, followed up by a stomach

                    Clawing)

                    Heart rip make eat ( The big guy rips a fisherman's 

                    Heart Out then forces him to eat it)

                               Awwww, he likes to share

Boob count: 0

I thought there would be at least one scene of Biggie peering through someone's window. Oh well, maybe next time. 

Penis count: 0*

There was one scene where I might have caught a glimpse of the yeti's junk, but that could of been the material of the Chewbacca suit they used.

Best quote:

"Monsters are like the boogeyman..... or your father. They're not really there"

                       What a mother says to her son after he sees Bigfoot

                  

                  

Watch this movie if you like:

Bigfoot (duh)

Awkward relationships ( Our protagonists)

Appendage loss ( I counted five arm rips)

Mortal Kombat blood effects (Whenever Bigfoot takes an arrow)

No nudity

The Long Journey Ahead

        Hi all. Welcome to My Bleeding Eyes. This blog is mainly an attempt to review between 100 and 200 horror movies. Which horror movies you may ask? Probably bottom of the barrel horror cinema ( aaahhhh! My Bleeding eyes I get it). The movies in question are part of a 50 movie pack that I bought at Best Buy a few years ago. There are no classics in this collection I.e. Jaws, Dracula, Nightmare on Elm Street. These consist of very low budget, no budget, and canadian films (No offense Canada). But I'm not going to rip these movies a new one. Who am I to trash someones hard work. These artists went out and did it, while I'm sitting behind a desk. Instead, I plan to look for the positives in these films while playfully criticizing what's happening on screen. Also there will be a boob count (How many breasts will appear in the movie) death count (How many people die) best part ( favorite part of movie) and being an equal opportunity pervert, a penis count ( Come on, something for the penile connoisseur). Of course this is a work in progress, so I will probably add more as I go along. So without further adieu, here are the 50 movies from the " Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares" movie pack:

Before I Die (2003)
The Bewitching (2006)
Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank (2007)
Burning Dead (2004)
A Candle in the Dark (2002)
Catholic Ghoulgirls (2005)
The Crate (2005)
The Crawlspace (2006)
Dead 7 (2002)
Dead Body Man (2004)
Dead is Dead (1992)
The Dead Live (2006)
Demon Slaughter (2004)
Dominion (1992)
Madhouse (1991)
Goblin (1993)
Goth (2003)
Hellbound: Book of the Dead (2003)
Hell's Highway (2002)
High Desert (1993)
Hip Hop Locos (2001)
Hollywood Vampyr (2002)
I Dream of Dracula (2003)
I Hate You (2004)
Invitation (2003)
Las Vegas Blood Bath (1989)
Matthew (1973)
Mayhem Motel (2001)
Nightmare Asylum (1992)
Off the Beaten Path (2004)
Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City (1991)
The River: The Legend of La Llorona (2006)
Scarlet Fry's Junk Food Horrorfest
Serial Killer (2002)
The Shunned House (2003)
Slasher (1985)
Suburban Sasquatch (2004)
The Summer of the Massacre (2006)
Tales of Terror (2003)
Terror Toons (2002)
Thirteen (1986)
This Darkness (2003)
Toe Tags (2003)
Up for Rent (2006)
Vampire Hunter (2004)
The Veil (2005)
When Heaven Comes Down (2002)
Wishbone (?)
The Witching (1993)
Zombie Rampage (1989)


Where do I start?

How about you pick first.

L.W.