Movie #12 The Bewitching

Plot: A witch leaves her coven to seduce unlucky men in Las Vegas. After confining two different men into a mirror/hell, the head witch seeks the rogue heretic to stop her from claiming more horny douche bags.

Redeeming Qualities:

Beverly Lynne plays the horny rogue witch. She is very pretty. I remember her from late night viewings of Skinimax.

The Bewitching is a softcore porn movie. So the filmmakers portrayed very efficiently.

I liked the Paul Sorvino lookalike manager of the strip club.

Death Count: 0

Nobody does. Not too many deaths in softcore porn.

Boob Count: 14

There are usually a lot of boobs in softcore porn.

Penis Count: 1

He actually fixed the cable beforehand

Watch if you like:

Boobs

Pool tables in strip clubs

Hawaiian porn music

Possessed vibrators

The Walking Dead meets In Living Color......

Movie #11: Catholic Ghoulgirls

Sister Act 3:  Hell on Earth

Plot: Three Catholic school girls fight their way through  zombie infested suburban West Virginia. On the other side of town, four friends talk about 80s cartoons and slay the undead using golf clubs and gasoline barrels. Not really sure how the outbreak started, but who really cares. We came for the ghoulgirls right!? Well here they are:

Redeeming Qualities:

Humor. This movie made me chuckle a few times. Mostly with an extended conversation about a childhood cartoon.

Length. Only 60 minutes. Perfect for a zombie movie.

All the black people live. That rarely happens in a horror movie. The only exceptions I can remember are "Jeepers Creepers 2" and "Night of the Demons".

That childhood cartoon was G.I. Joe by the way. I think I could actually hold a conversation with anyone about the awesomeness of that show. ( Me talking for a half hour straight about how much cooler Stormshadow is to Snake Eyes while you just sit there and smile and nod and think in your head about how invested this 34 year old boy is into a ninja that wears  white pajamas) 

Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic

Death Count: 9

Best kills:

Fire barrel roll ala Donkey Kong

Honda Accord genocide

Back alley stretch ( four zombies each grabbed a limb)

5 iron meet skull

Boob Count: 4

Penis Count: 0

Before I get on to my usual format, I would like to thank everyone who reads these silly little reviews. It's very inspiring when people enjoy your work and tell you that they do. So 11 movies in and 189 more. Piece. Of. Cake.

Watch if you like: 

Zombies

NRA nuns

Boone's Farm

Karate kicking hipsters

Rod Serling impressions

Of Mice and Men (screenplay by George Romero)

Dammit Lennie, what did I tell you already.......

Movie# 10: Wishbone

Please, just sing the Michael Jackson chorus right now

Plot: Aunt and uncle spend a dollar at an antique shop for their niece's new apartment. The item they bought was a wishbone encased like the mosquito from Jurassic Park. You can make only one wish while holding the wishbone and, once you do, someone will die. Many wishes are granted at a party. Many deaths insue. 

Our protagonist (the niece) recruits her best friend and David Caruso lookalike boyfriend to solve the mystery of the wishbone and bring down its haunting inhabitant.

One of many party scenes

Redeeming Qualities:

The story moves at a breezy pace. The only laggy parts are the multiple party scenes.

David Caruso boyfriend stays on the line of good/evil throughout the film.

Once revealed, wishbone genie looks like Quan Chi from Mortal Kombat.

Death Count: 6

Best Deaths: 

Throwback original Halloween choke out

Stomach stab in the shower

Ummmmm....... that's about it.

Boob Count: 0

Penis Count: 0

Skunked again!!!

Watch if you like:

Parties

CSI

Walking homeless people home

The Village Discount Outlet

Cagney and Lacey

Dane Cook................

Movie# 9 Before I Die

Where are the condiments? What's a severed arm without vinegarette dressing?

Plot: A guy in a white undershirt (aka wife beater, dago tee, etc.) And jorts ( jean shorts) has writer's block. So throughout the night he looks through his apartment for some inspiration. He then pens his masterpiece into 3 separate stories.

The first is about a woman who loves men (she makes sure to say this a few times). Loves to eat is more like it. After luring men into the Holiday inn express, she seduces them, and then eats them. Unfortunately for one guy, he spots our maneater's reflection in the mirror. What you get is this:

Spiderbeast!!!!!!!!!

Win Ben Stein's Hawaiian shirt

The second story involves a couple of newlyweds who vacation in an empty resort. And they copulate everywhere. Sauna, a jacuzzi I swear I saw in a Motley Crue video, bedroom, on top of rocks, next to the disabled person lift in the swimming pool. Then the hauntings start to occur. Very paranormal activity kinda stuff. 

Cause I'm hot, young, running free, a little bit better than I use to be....

The third story was all over the place. A murderer is on the loose and killing some kids dressed in the same Halloween garb as the teammates from Cobra Kai in "The Karate Kid". The murderer ends up killing the jort wearing author's wife. Aaaahhhh a wraparound episode! Nice. 

Redeeming Qualities:

There is a cool Lethal Weapony soundtrack that had me saying to myself " I'm getting too old for this shit" and "RIGGS!"

The death scenes in the last segment were pretty top notch considering the budget.

The acting by the newlywed couple was good. They meshed well together.

Death Count: 8

Best Deaths:

Double eye gouge

Neck snap x2

Piano wire choke

Disemboweling 

Boob Count: 3

Odd numbers are great. Did she show only one breast or does she only have one breast? Hhhmmmmmm

Penis Count: 1

Watch of like:

Spider ladies

Soliloquys

Ghost BJ's

The nature channel

Male prostitutes named "Candy"

Austin Powers nudity

Penises close to Chevy Chase

Movie# 8: Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank

Plot: Two teams of very attractive archeologists search for a relic that resembles Pandora's box. Inside the box are an assortment of precious stones. Luckily one of the hot "archeologists" finds the box and proceeds to rub the jewels all over her body, thus transforming her into a bloodsucking babe from Burbank. Soon the plague of bloodsucking babes spreads across Burbank infecting any female who touches the stones. Can a mysterious guy, possibly from Burbank, stop this outbreak  before the drooly femmes from south California takeover the world? Or will the sight of many bikinied girls make you blind to there takeover?

Redeeming qualities:

Lots of girls running in underwear or bathing suits. If, you know, like that kinda stuff. 

Double crosses and a twist ending.

No women get killed in this movie. It was nice to see the roles reversed a little. 

Production quality was good.

"Can you hear me now?"

Death Count: 6

Best Deaths:

Bloodsucking dismemberment

Axe to the gut

Granny just wants a bite

Burbank bar bloodsucker brawl and beatdown

Boob Count: 6

For the first 45 minutes I thought this movie was gonna be just one big tease. The last 40 were not.

Penis Count: 0

Maybe if there is a semi-sequel called "Bloodsucking Boys from Burbank"? 

Watch if you like:

Babes

Blue balled boyfriends

Grandma finding your jewels

The internet circa 2001

1700's dildo research

Bath salts

Jello molds